"What does your family say?"

Find out what the family has to say - in this case my family, after I decided to move to the other side of the world without any fixed plans to return. - Nat, Week 4 

Welcome to our series of Travelher's Most Frequently Asked Questions! This is the fourth topic in our weekly feature, which will be addressed first with daily posts on our social media channels and then compiled here at the end of each week.  

​​If you are living overseas, or are planning to move overseas, you will most likely have dealt with a fair few questions from your family about your decision to leave. 

While my family has been nothing but supportive of my decision to move to the other side of the world from the get go, they were also eager to find out pretty much immediately "when I would return home". While this type of question was discussed more frequently in the first couple of years, it got brought up less and less until it completely subsided in the end. As the years went on, my family almost seemed anxious to breach this subject, as if they couldn't bear the possibility of me replying that I might never come back. And I wasn't sure how I should feel about the topic either. On one hand, it's nice to be missed and know that people care and want you to return. On the other hand, it creates this immense pressure and guilt for being so far away from all your loved ones. 

Constantly thinking about the option of returning home also made it incredibly hard to really focus on building my new life in New Zealand. Continuously living with one foot in each country simply makes it impossible to be anywhere fully. After a couple of short term visas, I decided to commit to New Zealand and my new life over here completely and applied for residency. It meant to plant both feet firmly on New Zealand ground and it felt like my family kissed the thought of me ever returning goodbye and I pretty much did the same, at least for the time being. 

While I made sure to return to Germany regularly, my "home" had now shifted to NZ. I don't know if anyone can understand the roller coaster of emotions you go through every time you return home for a visit unless they've experienced it themselves.

Enduring a 30+ hour journey, almost dying of excitement to see everyone on the other side! Being picked up from the airport and greeted with so much love end enthusiasm that you feel like your heart might implode! And then, on the other hand, after having had the most magical time with everyone so close to you, spending time in your "old life" that you managed to slot right back into, having to say goodbye for an unknown period of time - made me want to die - e-v-e-r-y  s-i-n-g-l-e  t-i-m-e.
We were all laughing sometimes (while sobbing) how dramatic our goodbyes must seem from the outside but the emotions and devastation were real. And no matter how often we did it, it NEVER got easier. We joked that we should be "used to it" by now or should have "trained ourselves" to cope better. But sitting down in my plane seat on the way back to NZ on my own, I kept asking myself the same question every time - why do I do this to myself and to everyone else and will this be my life, forever? Once you arrive back on the other side, after crying yourself to sleep for the first night you snap back into your routine and are fine. Head back in the other life, on the other side. Until the roller coaster of emotions begins again ... 12 months max later 😅  
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At home nothing ever changes but you will
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After a few years of travelling back and forth between Germany and New Zealand I came to the following realisation - "At home nothing ever changes but you will". 
This is not meant to sound condescending or ignorant in any way. Of course people at home DO change just as much as you. Their age, circumstances and experiences shape them just as much as they shape you. However, the way YOU are at home seems to always stay the same. 

In some ways it's mindblowingly wonderful how you are seemingly able to pick back up right where you left off, no matter how long you've been away for and how much or little contact you've had since you last saw each other. Every time I return back home to Germany, it takes me no more than a couple of days to slot straight back into my "old life". While this fills me with endless joy and gratefulness it also really messes with my head! How come that I feel like I have changed so much while being away and building a completely new life for myself, yet it feels like I have never left every time I return?! If anyone has the answer - please reach out and enlighten me! 

The thing that does change, however, is how you view home and life over there. You can now basically look at it from an outsider perspective. You now have something to compare it with. When I first thought "x, y, z is much better in NZ" it scared the shit out of me. Not that it's a competition but it did make me question my very self. After all, I'm German and even if I chose to leave, should I really ever feel like life somewhere else is "better"? And if that is how I feel, then what are the consequences? What does that mean for me and my family and my very future? For some painful reason, little realisations like this threw me into a deep emotional spiral questioning everything about my life and very existence. I'm not sure if I'm overly dramatic but I'd like to believe I'm not the only one. I think it might simply be due to the fact that you have a home and people you love in two different places and under no circumstances do you want to lose or hurt either one of them. 
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​Staying in touch - it's a two way street
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Having your home and heart in two places basically means that you are stuck on an emotional roller coaster for life. No getting off it really once you've buckled down - maybe some plane tickets or visas should come with a warning? 

While you are the one who has decided to leave home, and while it's a reasonable expectation that you make an effort to keep in touch with everyone back home, it's still a two way street. 

Even though I currently live on the other side of the world, in a completely different time zone, I don't feel like, at any point, I ever talked less to my closest friends and family than when I lived at home. You can't physically spent time together, sure. But I chat to my parents and siblings on almost a daily basis and have catch up calls with my closest friends scheduled every other week. Thanks to technology, I'm part of a whole range of different group chats, and all my loved ones are only ever a quick text, WhatsApp message or Skype call away. The thing that is important, especially as time went on, is that we were all equally committed to staying in touch over this long-distance. If you have real connections with people you want to share your life with them and find out what's happening in theirs. It shouldn't feel like a chore but like something you do naturally. From both sides - a two way street, based on love, emotional investment and sincere interest. 

While I have lost touch with a few people back home during the past 9 years, I don't think this has happened because I've moved away. It's most likely because our interests have changed as well as our priorities. It's so easy to feel guilty about losing touch with people. It's easy to blame yourself for having "left them behind". The truth is, however, we all make new friends and lose some over the course of our lives. It's a natural development that doesn't only happen when you move away but just as much when you stay put. 

And you don't have to talk to each other every week to stay close either. Some friends I only chat to every other month but every time we do catch up it's like we last spoke yesterday. These are the connections that count and the ones that don't change regardless of where in the world you are and how far you might be apart. These are the connections with people that do treat staying in touch like a two way street and these are the people who will remain in your life regardless of where either of you decide home is. 
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Don't feel guilty about creating a new life for yourself 
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While you will always remain close with your family and best friends back home, no matter where in the world you are, it is also important that you fully embrace your new life overseas and don't feel guilty about enjoying it. It isn't easy to be so far away from home without feeling like you have abandoned your family and friends, and while you will probably never be able to rid yourself of this feeling completely, it is important that you put it into perspective and allow yourself to move on with your new life without feeling bad about the decision you made to leave home. 

For me, the biggest issue was that New Zealand is so awfully far away from Germany. I would have loved to go home at least twice a year which would have made being away so much easier. I would have also loved to have all my family and friends over for visits more regularly. I understand that the journey is challenging and expensive and while I can't force anyone to come and visit me, I relentlessly encouraged everyone I know to make the financial and physical sacrifice to jump on that 30 hour flight as often as they could bear. It will be worth it I told them. And god was it worth it!! Every single one of my friends and family members loooved New Zealand just as much as I do. While I almost killed myself trying to plan the most perfect itineraries to make sure I squeezed in only the very best this country has to offer, it turned out that all people really cared about was seeing how I live over here.

​They wanted to see my place, find out where I go to work, join me for a weekly shop or stroll up the road to my favourite cafe. Of course they enjoyed sunbathing on NZ's finest beaches, hiking through tropical forests and soaking up the gobsmackingly beautiful nature surrounding you everywhere you go. But seeing how I live over here and understanding why I chose to stay made all the difference. Having their "approval" and understanding made it so much easier to ease the guilt and enjoy the hell out of the life I've chosen for myself. 

It also helped make them feel closer once they'd left again. Talking about places they'd experienced for themselves once they were back home made us feel even more connected. They too had left a little piece of their heart right here with me. 
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In short - instead of feeling guilty for having left, force everyone to visit you and make them fall in love with your new home too ;) That way they don't just understand your choices but support them too which makes all the difference. 
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How to cope with homesickness
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Regardless of how happy and in love you are with your new life, homesickness overcomes the best of us and it often happens totally unexpected and out of the blue. 

While for me it has never really been a constant state, it still hit me hard a few times throughout the years and when it did, it really hurt. It's so hard to miss the place and people you are from when it was your choice to leave. So I had to learn to cope with it over the past 10 years and below is a little list of my top homesickness cures for you ;-)

1) Introduce your favourite customs and traditions to your new home - your new social environment will love you for it and you won't have to miss out on any of them no matter where in the world you are. 

2) Ship at least one box of your favourite photos, decorations and clothes to every new place you move to. It will make you feel right at home.

3) Plan regular home visits or shared holidays with your friends and family in other destinations. Sounds obvious, but being able to count down the days to your next reunion together makes being apart that much easier.  

4) Cook your favourite meals and indulge in your favourite treats - it never fails to make me feel at home :) 

5) Surround yourself with other fellow expats! No one will ever understand better what it means to live a life far away from home than people who are in the same situation. They know how you feel so lean on each other when the going gets tough.

6) Whatsapp, Facebook, Skype, you name it! Use all that’s available to you, as often as you can to spend quality time with people back home. Organise a virtual dinner with your mum or brunch with your besties! It will (almost) feel like you never left. 

As you get older ... 
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While some people who leave home might never look back, there are others who feel the need to return back home after some time for a bunch of different reasons.

After almost 10 years in New Zealand and away from home, I personally have decided that it's time for me to move back this year. 

I can't tell you at this point if it will just be for a while or if it ends up being forever, but for now, I feel like it's time for me to return home. I feel ready for something "new" even if that means moving back to somewhere "old" and familiar 
While it breaks my heart a little thinking about leaving NZ behind,I am beyond excited to return home to all my friends and family who I'll be able to physically see any time I want to without thousands of miles and a 30+ hour plane journey separating us.

5 years ago, I'm not sure I saw this coming.But as you get older and as you plan for the future and a few "bigger" things you realise you might want in your life (like for example having kids, getting married, buying a house etc), I have realised that these are all milestones I want to share with my family and people back home by my side.I don't just want them watching me take these next big steps from the sidelines but I want them right there caught up in it all with me.

I also feel excited about rediscovering my home country now that I'm 10 years older and maybe wiser  carrying so many new experiences in me that I've collected all around the globe and that have shaped me so much over the past few years. I'm convinced that returning back home will be an exciting new adventures in itself. 

It also so happens that most of my friends in New Zealand are fellow expats who have also decided to move back home or are getting ready for a new adventure.After 10 years of being my home, New Zealand seems to keep encouraging me to find out where I'm meant to be for the next phase of my life. And while I know that visits over here won't quite be the same as properly living here, I know that I will jump on that 30+ hour flight as often as I can to return to this beautiful place that stole my heart in an instant and will hold it dear for the rest of my life. 

Until next time, travel on! - Nat ​

​Author - Natalie Gruner 

Nat is a co-founder of Travelher. She is a German globetrotter who has been living in New Zealand for the past 9 years. She has explored almost 50 countries so far but won't rest until she's efficiently ticked off the rest of the world ;-) She has decided to move back to Germany with her partner in July 2020 to be closer to home and explore more of Europe for now. ​